1.) Learn to Communicate
Communication is key to any lasting relationship. This is something that takes a lot of practice, let me tell you. It also takes some serious consideration for your partner’s feelings. So many arguments can be avoided by mastering this skill. Or at the very least, by trying to become better every day at it.
There are many books on the subject, different teachings that couples counseling may provide. Don’t frown or scrunch your nose to couple’s therapy either! It will give you the tools to get comfortable with expressing yourselves to one another without living in defense mode. Some people really love having someone who is neutral present to help get your point across more effectively. However it works for you, strive to learn how to properly communicate with your loved one.
Sometimes it’s not what you say, but how you say it that makes all the difference.
2.) Be on the Same Page
Damon and I make a really great team. He is the yin to my yang and excels in the areas that I lack. We celebrate the other’s strong suits and ask for help in those areas when needed. From the very beginning, we talked about our goals and what we expected out of life. These conversations are so important because looks will fade, but you will remain in love with someone’s character.
Remember that old saying, there is no “I” in “TEAM”? This still applies to relationships too! Life is hard. Adulting is exhausting. Children will literally run your house if you don’t get on the same team. Cleaning, cooking, shopping, laundry, helping with homework, the bedtime routine, paying the bills, disciplining your children, and really everything else that helps run the household are meant to be done together. My hat is tipped to all the single parents in the world, you are a SUPERHERO in my eyes every day of the week! But if you have two people running the household, you will need to establish a balanced routine that allows the other to not carry the load all the time.
I don’t mean that everything must be 50/50 in every relationship, even though that is what works for us in our relationship, but what I do mean is that the load must be shared without unexpressed expectations. Your partner won’t always know exactly what you need, you must express these things and get on the same page!
Some days, just surviving till bedtime is worth celebrating with cheesecake in bed and a pound! Celebrate just making it through the day because you did it as a team!
3.) Support Each Other’s Dreams
The world is tough ya’ll. People can be terrible. Being parents is challenging. Working all day and trying to go to the gym is exhausting. Chores will get backed up. Laundry turn’s to mountains that magically reappear every week. Dinner must be cooked EVERY NIGHT which means that dishes also must be done EVERY NIGHT! There are activities, homework, making everyone lunches, cooking a good breakfast, and remembering to stop and cuddle in the midst of it all. Adulting is just plain HARD.
How beautiful to find someone to share the load? A person to cheer you on through your rough points. Someone who tells you how beautiful you are when your hair is in a bun and you’re in one of his t-shirts. Grace being shown when chores go undone because KILLING it at your career took every ounce of your energy you had that day.
When you hit a roadblock in your business and question your very ability to do anything right, there they are smiling, asking God how they got so lucky to have you? On the days when I wonder if I am being the best mom, or when I feel guilty for how little time we got that day, my man grabs me and still says “Let me get a piece of that!”
All you need is one person to believe in you, who better than your partner?
4.) Practice Self Love
I don’t know if anyone enjoys being alone more than me. It can really be one of my favorite things. I came from a pretty big family and the opportunity to be truly alone did not present itself often, so I soaked in every moment I could. I just like to be in my own thoughts, my own comfort. To be unapologetically me, listen to that lame song from eight grade, eat that bad food I don’t like to admit I still eat, watch that corny movie that brings my heart pure joy. I like to sit in front of my mirror for hours doing my makeup or lay in silence writing in my journal. I love a good self-help book or a podcast that will teach me how to be a better businesswoman. It is a simple little freedom that gives me a pure feeling of joy and self-love.
For others it might be listening to a motivational speech, going to the spa, taking a long drive alone, going to the gym, watching the game with the guys, or spending some time lost in worship. Whatever it is that fills your soul, that makes you feel peace and purpose. That allows you to let your creativity flow into the world. Do those things! Carve out time every day to seek what it is that makes you happy in life.
Please don’t sit and sulk in depression putting pressure on those that you love to bring you happiness. Not only is it impossible, but it also is not healthy! Only you can make you happy. A relationship is two people seeking happiness individually that come together and soak in each other’s awesomeness.
5.) Pursue Each Other
I should start this one off by admitting that my partner is WAY better than myself in this category. Even though that is a true statement, Ladies we need to be on our A-game also! There are many ways to continue to pursue your partner. You can leave sweet notes, send a sexy text, or give an unexpected compliment. You should know when to throw in those little boosts of ego they might need, or even just remind them that they still give you those butterflies in your tummy from the day you first met.
We all need to feel desired by our significant other, not just tolerated. Showing pride in your appearance, wearing their favorite cologne, even just putting on those heels around the house (to remind them of their great decision having you to come home to every day) are great ways to send that message. Plan romantic get-a-ways. Don’t ever stop having date nights. Turn the TV off and put down your phone often just to get lost in conversation. Quality time is essential. Keep it how it is so you don’t even have to think of how it used to be!
6.) Be Intimate often
Some may think this goes without saying. Others could use a good lesson in this area. No matter where you are on the spectrum, I am positive that we could all do better. I do understand that life can make it challenging to make alone time a priority. However, this will be vital to the soul of the relationship.
Kiss often. Hug for long periods of time. Hold hands in the car. Cuddle and watch a movie. Go on adventures and remember why you fell in love. Intimacy comes in many forms. Take a shower together. Smack their butt when they walk by. Send playful texts when you are away. Cook together and pause just to dance in the kitchen to her favorite song. I may have saved this for last because my family will most likely read this, but since we have a child, I assume you all know already. But have sex OFTEN! This is more of a necessity for the men, so I urge you to make sure to use as many of the other examples as possible and on a more regular basis.
Women need affection, so the more you give that, the more willing they are to meet your desires too. There is nothing that should take priority over you expressing all the different forms of intimacy. Do them often, as we do!
7.) Speak Their Language
There is an awesome book called “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman available literally everywhere books exist. This book is soul food to any relationship. Almost like going to therapy in the comfort of your own home. It is something that aided us in so many ways. From learning how to better communicate to learning how to better show up for each other in our everyday life.
You start by taking a quiz independently to find out what your individual love languages are. Then you take the time to learn your partner’s language so you can show love in ways they can receive it. My biggest takeaway became that not everyone looks at acts of love the same way you do. MIND BLOWN! People are not mind-readers and people cannot fill expectations that were never made known in the first place. Stop giving unspoken expectations.
The problem ends up being that we try to show love the way we like to receive it, instead of learning what ways make your partner feel loved. Spend some time thinking about how many times you have been upset with your loved ones because they did not do what you expected them to, but you also never actually voiced what it is that you wanted them to do, to begin with? For us, there were more than a few!
Some simple lessons were learned too like I could buy more gifts for my partner and that would make him feel appreciated. Love language receiving gifts is one of his languages. He could buy fewer gifts and just help around the house where I’m slacking to show me appreciation. My language is acts of service. It was an eye-opening experience and I truly believe it made us a stronger couple.
Take the test, read the book, and SPEAK THEIR LANGUAGE.
8.) Hold Each Other Accountable
I questioned including this as a full topic because it runs the risk of potentially hurting someone in the relationship. So, I will start this off by stating that this is not to be confused with focusing solely on the negative or nagging in the relationship. With that being said, one of my partner’s biggest role’s in this partnership is holding me accountable for my words and for my actions.
This could be speaking affirmations during moments all I have are complaints. The reminder that we made a commitment this weekend and we shouldn’t miss this opportunity to fellowship. The nudge you give your partner to let them know they are being too hard on the kids reminding them our job is to teach our kids how to handle mistakes, not to avoid them altogether.
I appreciate that with all our years of togetherness, we can bluntly (and lovingly) remind each other that we are capable of GREAT things and push each other to dig deeper in moments of weakness. The same way that God shows us there is more to life, but still loves us through the growing pains, it is your job to speak life into your partner and show grace through the trying moments too!
Any goal in the world can be obtained when you have your family’s encouragement and support, because you will not allow yourself to let them down! Don’t let them give up on the goals and dreams in their hearts, even if they somehow forgot about them along the way. Remind them that they are here for a reason and you believe they will fulfill that purpose. This man has always pushed me to go a little longer at the gym, give a little more at the job, and to love the person I see in the mirror during all the different stages in life. He reminds me that I have always been more than enough and higher than the rest which gives me confidence every day.
9.) Seek God
This category is more important now than ever before. I consider myself a woman of faith. I may not go to church every Sunday, but I bring the church to me WHENEVER I need it. The world of technology opened so many doors for receiving a Word. My fiancé and I attend church every Sunday in our bedroom thanks to Transformation Church Live. Spending time with Him both in private and as a couple provides a shield of protection from all the things of the outside world. One that you learn to rely on when times get thick.
When you study the word of God daily, it grows your faith and calms your fears. You will take what you learn and teach it to your partner. You, in turn, become a better friend to your partner because you are becoming more God-like. It makes it easy when decisions arise that would otherwise test your will power. You will be taught to place so much value on your partner and your relationship that there isn’t a temptation in the world that would lead you astray.
The goal is to form a relationship of 3: You, your partner, and God. Both of you should strive to mimic God’s love for you, unto each other. Remember that love is patient, and love is kind, love is UNCONDITIONAL!
10.) Show Grace
15 years has taught us what the word “grace” really means. You may hear it a lot growing up, but many will never fully understand the purest form of grace, unconditional love. It was one of the harder lessons in our relationship by far.
It is inevitable that there will be trying times. The kind meant to destroy the relationship that often you bring on yourselves. 15 years means that we were teenagers when we met without a CLUE in the world. Simply young and in love! That love has been tested in so many ways over these years. Lying, deceit, infidelity, literally ALL THE THINGS.
One thing that tied us close through all these things is the Grace of God. We held on to our faith in the most trying of times. Made huge decisions to cut off the world and focus on our own personal selves. Our own divine relationship with our Lord and Savior SAVED US! This happened to the point we sat sulking in our own sorrows confessing to our humanness, showing our full selves completely stripped away from any self-image or pride. Then, we choose to love each other anyway! Despite all our flaws.
Love is a choice that we make every day. There are no conditions to how I feel like there are no conditions to God’s grace with us. How can we expect the Lord to forgive us when we can’t forgive others or ourselves? Even now, we can still get on each other’s nerves. We make mistakes sometimes. I have let him down at the worst times and he has been the cause of many tears in 15 years. We have never been perfect people, just two people who love each other anyway!
You will experience many sides of this throughout your relationship when you get to this point, I am sure of it. Some of you already have. At some points, you will have to show it, and at others, you will be praying that God helps your partner give it to you. Sometimes it is just remembering that we are all human and destined to make mistakes. Focus more on the lessons and grow, together. Show grace!
11.) Forgive Quickly
Ok, ok, this one’s a little harder than it sounds. I can totally understand that. Now that we got past that part, you must also know that it will be extremely necessary! No one can be perfect at every moment of their life. There is not a person out there that has not made poor decisions that their partner wouldn’t approve of or who hasn’t done something dishonest at one point in time.
When you truly love someone, you love them through their mistakes and imperfections. It won’t always come easy, but it WILL always come! It is okay to be mad, upset, or disappointed. But you MUST learn to express those feelings with your partner first, then forgive them quickly! Don’t waste your precious moments left on this earth together being stuck in your feelings. It would be a shame for that to be the last feeling this person ever brings you, life is way too short for that!
12.) Choose Friends Wisely
You are a mixture of the top 5 people you spend the most time with. I am not sure where I even heard that from exactly, but I kept it in my head a lot lately. I thought about those whom I once spent all my days with, and what kind of influences they may have had over the course of my life.
Knowing that you will evolve over time, learn, and grow is just a part of life. Naturally, you will also outgrow some relationships and friendships that you once held so dear. It is not to say that they were not fun or beneficial at that time but going through life’s trials and tribulations have a funny way of showing you who is really there for you. Think about your top 3 people that you hang out with. If you were to hit a rough patch in your relationship and chose to confide in them, would they help or hinder your situation? Will they speak from a place of wisdom, or immediately talk down on the issue and amplify your situation?
Take a moment to think about who could you actually call on if you were in serious trouble? Is there someone you can think of that would bail you out of jail? Who could you borrow $500 from, or even as little as $50 from without complaint or hesitation? Who would join you in prayer if someone became ill and you needed real-life healing that can only be accomplished through pure faith? Put yourself in the presence of people who are like you aspire to be, goal-oriented. Surround yourself around those who possess the qualities you wish to have.
Choose your friends wisely!
13.) People Change Over Time
This may seem like a strange tip, but it should be understood that I am not the same person I was 15 years ago, THANK GOD! My partner is not the same man he was 15 years ago either! The man I fell in love with is still in there, don’t get me wrong, but our desires in life have completely changed. Our definitions of success have evolved over time.
We grew out of some of the ideas that teenagers might have. The world is much bigger than we used to think, our purpose for being alive gets revealed more and more along the journey to getting older. My idea to be married with 10 kids by 30 fell short by a marriage, and about 9 kids. LOL, but I have the man of my dreams, we share a beautiful Son and a life that we are proud to maintain a little into our 30’s!
I no longer aspire to be a singer or politician like when I was a kid, but instead, I desire to leave my mark on the world in other creative ways. My fiancé now values the respect of his family over the respect of the streets. He is the greatest father to our son even though 10 years ago was not sure if he even wanted kids. People change, and they are supposed to! What a tragedy to be in the same place you were 10, 5 or even just 1 year ago having learned nothing. When you learn better, you tend to do better.
I am LOVING the people that we are growing into; I know our parents are proud of us for riding the waves of life together too. The best part is that we are not done yet! We will be there to celebrate each season that comes while thanking God we are still together! What a privilege it will be to sit on the porch with our grandchildren playing in the yard smiling and saying “I love you” when we are old, God willing!
14.) Marriage Does NOT Define Your Relationship
“You guys aren’t married yet?”, everyone’s favorite question when they learn we have been dating for nearly 15 years and haven’t tied the knot. “What are you waiting for?” some may ask. “Nothing will change.”, others may use when trying to convince us not to be afraid. The truth? We were not sure we were ready to get married. At some points, we did not know if it was something we were ever going to do in our lives. It baffled us, almost as much as those who questioned our decision, how some could just jump into such a commitment without understanding what the terms and conditions were of the soul tied contract.
We have always been best friends. There is not another person on the planet that I would want to spend all my time with, travel the world with, or raise a family and build an empire with more than this man. But we did not rely much on marriage to come to that conclusion. Truthfully, we JUST NOW came to the point of understanding what that commitment will really mean and only now are we equipped with the Divine’s love and mercy to withstand taking that oath for life. I cannot wait to marry this man. Also, I am happy we waited! We won’t ever be that 50% divorce statistic because our commitment will be bound together by faith.
We made it through so much together at this point in our life, that marriage naturally is the next step! It is a choice that we made together without any outside influence because we know nothing can break what we have already built. Our partnership was formed by all the bricks ever thrown our way and the foundation is solid! Don’t let the word “marriage” define your relationship, just BE in whatever state you are currently blessed in and try to be the best partner you can. There is a time for all things! Ours was delayed but surpasses anything I could have ever dreamed of because I don’t have to wonder if this will work out. It has and does FOR 15 YEARS and beyond. We couldn’t be more blessed!
15.) Be Best Friends
I hit the fucking jackpot of life when it comes to this category. As cheesy as that might sound, I am not even exaggerating! I am privileged every day to share ALL the moments with my very best friend. A lot of friends have come and gone along this journey of ours, but we remain there for each other as friends, always!
When I am having a rough day, I call just to hear his voice. Each time something great happens, I can’t wait to share the news with him first. When I am being a terrible person, he calls me out on my ish. He lifts my spirits when I feel defeated. Always encourages me to go after my dreams. He is remorseful when he makes a mistake. Even shows mercy and grace when I fall off course too. He offers advice when I need it the most, and a listening ear when I just need to vent about my day like us women love to do.
Through the loneliest moments of my journey so far, he is always by my side. We enjoy the same tv shows, read the same books, and really have bonded over music. I can almost guarantee I will receive a song to listen to every day. We actually enjoy shopping together since I never feel rushed. He will accessorize with the best of ‘em and we can go grab lunch after during happy hour.
No one can make me laugh like he can, except maybe our son. We spend SO much of our lives laughing, and it is amazing for the soul. We seek God together, and he always takes interest when I learn something new and just HAVE to share it with someone. He will go get pedicures with me, have a drink to celebrate accomplishments, and gives thoughtful gifts to remind me of times we’ve shared together. I have so many letters, texts, and emails from over the years where he would express what I meant to him. There is no one I would want to travel the world with more than him, we go on all life’s adventures together!
WOW! I think this has been my longest post yet. We can truly commend you for making it this far. It shows great commitment and that is a huge asset to a beautiful relationship. I am sure we could have gone on and on sharing the things that we have encountered so far in our incredible 15-year relationship, but we tried narrowing them down to the following.
15 Things We Have Learned in Our 15 Year Relationship:
We share all of this to just emphasize that it takes MORE than just intimacy and MORE than steady romantic vibes to sustain a lasting relationship. You must learn to be a great friend to your partner too!
It is my greatest blessing to GROW through this life with my BEST FRIEND. I love you!-
Please share what you have learned to be true from your relationships below in the comments! – Cynthia & Damon
